I hear ya. You worked hard to tidy up and you feel really proud of yourself.
My grandma always said, “Train your kids and love your husband.” And, it’s not the other way around. Ouch. Chew on that for a sec.
Sometimes, tidy mama’s fall into the trap of wanting to make everyone around them feel bad for messing up the “perfect house feeling”. As hard as it is, I beg you. Don’t do this.
Here’s the thing. You love your family. Your husband, your children. You do. You love them. It just plain isn’t loving when you start blaming and prioritizing your environment over the relationships.
You use the environment as the primary tool for serving the relationship. You share food, because you love each other. You share play and work and fun and all of the moments that make home special. Your goal is not a museum- a house full of things to look at. You perfect your house to use it.
Life happens there. Joy happens there.
When you blame and guilt and shame everyone into keeping the house perfect for you, they might begin to fear you, to work for your approval. This isn’t facilitating more loving, this behavior evokes more fear and anxiety.
3 positive assumptions when somebody came along and messed up the room:
- Can I help you with anything? (Maybe, he’s in a hurry and could use a hand getting out the door on time.)
- How are you feeling? (Maybe, he’s feeling sleepy and just needs to rest. He can tidy up later.)
- Does that _____(whatever was set down) need a spot? (Maybe, he’s throwing clothes on the floor because he doesn’t have a hamper. Maybe he’s throwing the keys on the counter because there’s nowhere to hang them.)
I know, it’s hard. It’s hard to let go of the urge to train a husband if you accidentally fell into that way of relating. Give me this. Just try. Try to see how you can promote more love, less fear. Try to see how you can be helpful and promote positivity, rather than judgement. Try to ask better questions. It might be a process. That’s ok.
You might both be tidy (that’s us!) or you might both be messy (well…it happens) or one of you might be tidy and other messy (this is the hardest combo!). Understanding the dynamics of a relationship is an interesting journey. I’ve learned that best moments come from believing the best about him.
He wasn’t out to get me just because the kitchen was upturned when he cooked, he just is a messier cook than I am. I could train him to be a tidy chef (ONLY if he wanted to grow in that area and asked me to!) but it’s been more fun just to clean up behind him, taste his creations, kiss him when it was delicious and inventive and set the table. Now, I’m his favorite sous chef- not his critic.
Now what? you ask. Well, believe the best. That’s what.
This isn’t MY home; this is OUR home and we share life here.